Mandatory Refusal
by plumbumbullet
Summary: Michael's thoughts during the episode 'Mandatory Refusal'.


I missed. Thank God I missed. Everything was a blur… They shot me with a tranq. I knew they would try. But I didn't expect her to be there. How foolish of me to expect her to follow the mission parameters!

It's Nikita, for God's sake! Haven't I spent three years training and mentoring her? I should have known better.

The bike's motor is revving under me, roaring, like my desolate heart, spitting gravel of regret from under the wheels. I asked her out…

 _My little girl,_

 _There are times when I feel_

 _I'd rather not be the one_

 _Behind the wheel_

I thought I could handle it. I thought we could be careful. Take it slow.

 _Are you really that arrogant that you think you can just turn me on and off at will?_

I know that I hurt her. Sometimes I wonder why she still bothers to talk to me… Her smile is always so genuine when she sees me… I don't deserve it.

But I can't help it. I can't help being drawn to her light. She doesn't know what she had woken up inside of me. What I myself only realized after that night on a boat. That she is everything…

It can't be casual. Dates, dinners, staying over. Every time I see her, I just want to consume her whole.

 _The only part of me that's not dead is you…_

Before that night I often thought of myself as an empty grave. But when I finally had her, when she finally gave me her light, that bottomless pit inside of me was filled with roaring fire. Scalding hot, hungry for so long and finally set free… I couldn't get enough. I wanted her to lose all reason, to shudder in my arms over and over… But dawn did us part. In the cold light of morning everything was different. Except now I know…

I know what I am when I'm with her. Nothing will stop me. Nothing and no one.

She's here to stop me.

I hit the brakes and lean the motorcycle against one of the walls of an abandoned building. She'll be here any minute now. According to Section protocol, I have to kill her.

I walk up the stairs and look around. Dust and debris and peeling plaster. Despite of the situation, I can think of nothing else but pressing her against one of the crumbling walls and making her mine again. Before I know it, my mind is profiling: hide near the entrance, slam the gun out of her hands as soon as she comes in, pull her close, invade her personal space…

I hear her car approaching and I hide in the next room. When I see her silhouette, I'm burning all over. On mandatory refusal you don't trust anyone. But I know she's here of her own accord. So I have to hurt her. Again.

I cock the gun and she hears me. She turns around and I have to put on the ruthless Michael face. The blank stare and the loaded gun. I will go through with the hit. I have to be the perfect soldier.

I try not to look in her eyes, registering only the general movement. I can't take any risks. If any one finds out that she was here and that I didn't kill her…

She keeps looking right at me with those clear blue eyes. She's here to help me. She broke protocol. I can only hope that no one has found out yet. Operations may be risking the success of the mission for Madeline's sake, but I should be stronger than this.

I know that I can't kill her. So instead of pulling the trigger, I sting her with my words of doubt:

· Did they send you?

She looks at me, and it's as if I pushed her off the edge of a cliff. But before I rush down for her, to hold together all the shattered pieces of her soul, I pull the metal grate between us. Only seconds later do I realize how symbolic it is. And how we used to be in exactly the same situation, locked in cages, breathing between the bars, interlacing fingers… It wasn't all a lie.

I know you have no reason to believe me. I don't even know why you came now. I pray to God that it's only your general aptitude for sympathy, nothing like my raging emptiness when the situation in reverse. When it's you who is in danger. I know I've been playing with your heart and more than once. But you were always smart enough to slap my face afterwards and go live your life. I hope you'll be able to do it again.

Just disentangle yourself from me, Nikita. I'm not good for you. I'm not worth it.

And I hammer down the last nail:

· You should not have come.

I leave as quickly as I can, knowing for sure it won't take her long to figure a way out. I mount the bike and speed down the road, letting the air slash at my face and beat me hard in the chest. I'm sorry, Nikita. I really wish things could be different. What I feel for you is too intense… If I unleash that beast, nothing will be able to keep me in line with the Section rules. And it will kill us sooner than later. I don't care about my own end. But you deserve so much more.

As long as I lead you on, you'll be willing to sacrifice yourself for me. So I'm gonna let you off the hook tonight. It's better if you think that I'm a merciless scumbag.

 _Are you really that arrogant…_

Yes, better be arrogant. Section taught me how to lie: always mix it up with a bit of truth… If it were anyone else who came after me, I would have killed them. I can't allow you to become my weakness.

Except that I already have.


End file.
